In fact, he was kind of lovely

By the way, without meaning to brag, I'm in decent shape, I'm smart, funny, attractive. It must have been ideal to them: This naive woman with a hot body they could use like a plaything without all the usual trappings like expectations and commitment. I was selling myself short, but I honestly didn't see it at the time.

Each experience marked something off my sexual bucket list, but somehow they still left me feeling empty and hollow

On leaving the bar/restaurant, we'd go for a walk and they'd make their move: Fondling, groping, kissing. One walked me home to my place, came in and gave me a handjob to orgasm. (But then he made demands afterwards that I went along with though I really didn't want to.)

Then on the second meeting, we'd get down to business. I make it sound like there were a lot of guys, really there were only five in a very short period of time (and two at once) that I got physical with. There were a lot of messages and texts but I weeded quite a lot of them out.

Anyway, the first guy had asked me to order some toys - a glass anal thing, butt plugs, etc. He was older. Kind of scrawny and had thin lips. He had three glasses of wine on the first date and he was quite tipsy by the end and very handsy.

But somehow, I'd believed it was okay for me to hand over my body simply because they bought me dinner and it was just sex?

When he came over, he tied me up for a second, but then halfway through he untied me, which I was secretly disappointed by. firstmet We played with the butt toys. He made me cum very quickly and then he jerked off over my breasts.

He was smart, articulate, mature, but I wasn't attracted to him, and I realised his kink was more anal and butt play than domination, so I moved onto the next.

The second one was much more of a gentleman. He came over with a big sports bag. And the minute he walked in the door, his voice changed. It got lower. And serious. Then he took me over his knee and spanked me hard. I got my first taste of ‘subspace' and I kinda liked it.

He tied me up, used a pinwheel on my thighs. I experienced anal sex for the first time. He made me ask for permission before I orgasmed - even though after I asked and it was granted, I didn't actually cum.

They were nice guys, but they weren't guys I was attracted to and I didn't know them very well (at all, really).

I wasn't being as discerning as I should be. If this was a date rather than a Dom application, I wouldn't have even gone on a second date with the tipsy guy.

I was also missing something else. It wasn't until the ex knocked on my door again sort of sober that I figured it out. The minute he hugged me, all the feelings came rushing back. I had an epiphany.

I didn't actually wanted a Dom at all. I wanted an intimate relationship with someone I was attracted to and who I could trust enough to let them absolutely dominate me in bed. Up until now, I hadn't understood the difference.

And because I have this kind of addictive personality, I'd explored it very “alcoholically” - I hadn't taken the time, thought it through or been discerning, I'd simply dived in head first with whoever was in my path.

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